Cinephilia

Bang on schedule

It's not easy being a movie distributor. Or a TV scheduler. The former spend most of their time jostling with rival studios to bag those all-important release dates for their tentpole movies, while the latter put heart and soul into creating the perfect night in for their viewers. And then what happens? Real life kicks their best laid plans into touch.

Scheduled months ago, indie drama He Was A Quiet Man finally make its way into cinemas today. The film stars Christian Slater as an office worker who plans to gun down his colleagues, only to be beaten to the outrage by someone else. Unfortunately, its release comes a mere two days after a teenage gunman killed eight Christmas shoppers in Omaha, Nebraska before - as the media invariably put it - "turning the gun on himself".

So what to do for poor old Echo Bridge Entertainment? With the projectors already whirring, they're wedged firmly between a rock and a hard place. Pull the movie and lose a fortune; let it roll and face public indignation at their terrible insensitivity.

In 2001, the John Travolta thriller Swordfish suffered a similar fate. Beginning with a bomb-blast in a crowded bank and featuring a helicopter crashing into a skyscraper,it was in the middle of its theatrical run when the Twin Towers came down. Its subsequent appearance on DVD was sold more on Halle Berry's topless scene than any action content. (Interestingly, the only screenplay writer Skip Woods has seen produced since then is Hitman, released last week.)

September 11 also wreaked havoc on TV movie schedules. If it showed trouble in the air, it was quickly taken off air.  Months, even years, passed before the likes of Die Hard 2, Airplane! and Speed found their way back to the small screen.

It's not uncommon. Show us a catastrophe and we'll show you a movie whose themes are too close for comfort. Boxing Day tsunami? So long The Day After Tomorrow. Columbine massacre? Killing Mrs Tingle becomes Teaching Mrs Tingle. Kursk submarine disaster? No more hunts for Red October.

And with the Madeleine McCann story still running, should we be seeing - let alone laughing at - Raising Arizona, the Coen brothers' much-loved comedy about child abduction?

Where do we draw the line? Following a tragedy, how long is long enough? Everyone has a different idea of respect, and taste is a highly personal matter.

Ultimately, though, nobody is forcing us to watch anything (unless you're living in A Clockwork Orange). The movies will always be there. When we watch them should be left entirely up to us.

The UK Top Ten

I couldn't handle it. The cinema. I had to give it up. They broke me down with a relentless barrage of movie making that was so woeful, it's a wonder the writers didn't striek sooner. What worries me the most is, the studios have an emergency bunch of scripts they didn't think they'd ever need to use. And if they were willing to make Fred Claus, then woe betide us all.

1. American Gangster - Let's face it, the pair going head to head in this movie were last seen in Virtuosity, a movie that made less sense than it's own title. A drug dealer making money before being busted? Oooh, original. Even Sir Ridley couldn't make this interesting.

2. Beowulf - If a moviemaker is to create his own rules, he has to stick by them. Zemeckis created a realistic-looknig world, then introduced horses. They Animate Horses, Don't They? Yes. Badly.

3. Stardust - The day Robert De Niro susses out the one genre he has yet to master, he will probably retire. Until then, expect plenty of 'De Niro as a gay pirate' roles. And what about the bit where Pfeiffer is smashing the mirrors? Worst. Acting. Ever.

4. Ratatouille - While Dreamworks and co. became obsessed with talking animals, Pixar rose above it and flatly refused to get involved with cutesy zoo animals/ penguins with human voices. And then they blew it.

5. Good Luck Chuck - There is almost no redeeming  feature in regards to this movie. Actually, let me rephrase; There's no almost about it. It really is that bad. One joke features a man giving oral sex to a stuffed penguin. At no point, at no age, in no walk of life, is that ever going to be funny.

6. The Darjeeling Limited  - Making a film quirky does not automatically make a film good. This is, perhaps, where Wes Anderson is coming unstuck. 

7. August Rush - A rubbish Oirish accent, Freddie Highmore as a modern day Mozart, a plot that you've forgotten before yuo've finished eading the review... this really is as boring as it gets.

8. Shrooms - People take magic mushrooms, go nuts, get murdered. In an effort to reinvent the slasher movie, all they did was add hallucination-inducing drugs into the mix. Clever, reeeeeallll clever.

9. Elizabeth : The Golden Age - Rarely will you see a more blatant and lazy attempt to win an Oscar. They even re-wrote history to help Blanchett on her way. If the Oscars are not on this year, it'll be exactly what people like these filmmakers deserve.

10. 30 Days Of Night - It's astonishing to hear of how original and clever this movie is. All they did was find a reason to make the night time last longer in a vampire movie. Anyone of us could have thought of an idea like this. Why didn't I? Alright, I will.

Kate Meets Kate

So we have been a bit quiet over the last month or two, and for that we apologise.

That's enough with the pleasantries. What I want now is to ask; how the hell are these pictures of two different people?