Cinephilia

Phillippe Francais's film de la semaine

Away From Her

Certificate: 12

Running time: 105m

This week Phillippe runs an intellectual rule over the romantic saga directed by actress Sarah Polley and starring Julie Christie as free spirit struck down by Alzheimer's disease.

If memory serves me correctly, Alzheimer's is a neurodegenerative disease characterized by progressive cognitive deterioration together with declining activities of daily living and neuropsychatric symptoms or behavioral changes.

The most striking early symptom is loss of short-term memory, which usually manifests as minor forgetfulness that becomes steadily more pronounced with illness progression, with relative preservation of older memories.

Famous sufferers of the disease include Enid Blyton, Charles Bronson, Winston Churchill, Perry Como, Rita Hayworth, Charlton Heston, former Queen Juliana of the Netherlands, Iris Murdoch, Ronald Reagan, Sugar Ray Robinson and Harold Wilson.

Movies featuring the disease - as you will no doubt be aware - include The Notebook, Iris and - of course - Erik Van Looy's classic Dutch thriller De Zaak Alzheimer featuring an assassin who develops the disease and cannot function.

Now, where were we.....?

The UK Top Ten

A lack of imagination captures yours. For every ounce of lazy film-making, there'a a million quid you people are dying to hand over. Everytime Brett Ratner's heart beats, you are earning money you cannot wait to hand over,  faking awe at his miscreant creations. The number one movie this week, for the second week running, heaps shame upon this country. St George didn't see you people coming.

1. Wild Hogs - Credit is due to the producer who had the balls to put uber-unfunny men Martin Laurence and Tim Allen in a movie together. No further credit is accepted here.

2. Fracture - It seemed like a decent thriller had finally found its way into the top ten. And then it happened. Anthony Hopkins, with half an hour to go, suddenly realised he hadn't done an Irish accent on film yet. Thinking this might be his last chance, he slipped it into his vocal chords and screwed up a perfectly good film.

3. Mr Bean's Holiday - Well, it's not like you didn't know what was coming. Were you sad that they didn't use canned laughter? I bet you were. 

4. Blades Of Glory - It's a cycle that makes no sense to anyone who has any. Ferrell wears a silly costume, shouts, someone films it. They piece the shots together into some sort of order, release it, watch you lap it up, then repeat.

5. Alpha Dog - Justin Timberlake? You're telling me that a film with JT as the emotional core, is worth half a million quid in a week? 

6. Shooter - If you couldn't be bothered to wait for The Bourne Ultimatum, why didn't you just rent Supremacy? Hell, you could have rented Police Academy and been more thrilled.

7. 300 - It's so gay that it made a pass at Shooter a few moments ago. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

8. The Reaping - Two word film titles where the first word is The. Now there's a feature for skymovies.com. We once did that feature, except it was actually called 'worst films ever made'. Alas, it was banned form the site in case we offended the studios. 

9. The Lives Of Others - ...should be of no interest to you, you nosey bastards.

10. Meet The Robinsons - Why? Are they going to make me laugh? Thrill me? Impress me with their crap CGI animation? I'd rather not.

Alf takes a swing at Spider-Man 3

'Ey up, 'appen this could be t'first review o' Spider-Monkey 3 from north o' Chesterfield. An' worrit worth spendin' two'n'arf hours amongst 200 teenagers wi' t'attention span of a goldfish? Worrit 'eckerslike. Bugger spider sense - it were me arse what were tinglin' after sittin' through all that computerated cobblers.

For them as gives a gnat's chuff, Tony Maguire's back as Peter Plonker - aka Spider-Man - while Kirsty Dunston repeats 'er cardboard cutout routine as 'is girlfriend Mary Jane (though there's only one Mary-Jane in this film, far as I'm concerned).

Starts off wi' Peter abart t'pop question, but she's not 'avin' it on account of 'im turnin' into a big 'eaded prat. Dunno what fuss is abart - they're such a pair o' bloody drips, they deserve each other.

In another "Gerron wi' it!" plotline what's been goin' on since first film, that Harry Osborn's still got bottom lip out cos Spides killed 'is old man. So they 'ave a big scrap what gives everybody 'eadache - includin' Osborn.

Meanwhile, an escaped criminal's just fallen into a radioactive sandpit - as y'do - an' been turned into a walkin' buildin' site. Then we've got another big scrap what gives everybody 'eadache. Funny 'ow nobody thinks ter mix 'im wi' cement an' leave 'im out t' dry... S'pose that'd tek too much common.

That's not all, neither. No, there's a photographer called Brock after Peter's job. But that's alreet cos Peter's after Brock's blonde bit o' stuff. An' ter top it all, some sticky tar from outer space turns Spider-man's leotard black - an' that turns Peter inter Spider-muppet. Then - just as yer gerrin' rid o' yer last 'eadache - the goo gets stuck ter Brock an' there's an even bigger scrap.

So what you've got is boys from the blackstuff and a Sandman. It's a good combination if yer layin' a driveway, but as a story it's abart as excitin' as yer average Batman sequel. An' addin' more subplots than a privatised allotment don't mek it any better.

There's a couple o' laughs an' t'effects are decent enough (be a bugger if they weren't when it cost 250 million Yank dollars) - but it's still like watchin' someone else play a videogame. I've seen worse, mind.

Any road, like owt I say'll stop it from mekkin' enough brass to end third world debt.

Phillippe Francais's film de la semaine

The Reaping

96 minutes

Cert: 15

One can't help recalling the pivotal moment in Exodus (Chapters 9-12) when God inflicted ten calamities on Egypt in order to convince the Pharoah (possibly Ramasses II) to allow the Israelite slaves free passage.

However, I also detected jarring references to Albert Camus' 1947 novel that tells the story of medical workers finding solidarity in their labour as the Algerian city of Oran is swept by a serious flu epidemic (surely based on the series of nasally-distributed seizures that hit the Worcestershire village of Kempsey in 1807).

Those viewers unfamiliar with the Old Testament may also be surprised to lean that a reaper is also a horse-drawn farm implement invented in 1831 and patented by Cyrus McCormick.

It can be safely assumed that this was not the basis for the 2000 thriller directed by John Bradshaw and featuring Chris Sarandon as a famous murder-mystery writer who finds fact imitating fiction.

Chris Sarandon, as you might surmise, was once married to Susan Sarandon, star of Dead Man Walking and Thelma & Louise. But they're not anymore. She married someone else.

I can also let you into a little secret: neither of the above appeared in this new film called - if memory serves me correctly - The Reaping. But Hilary Swank does. God, the things I could tell you about her.

Alf Huckam is away (on his allotment)

Alf is cursed

Dogs. That's where this flamin' country's goin'. You've got folk what signed up t'serve queen an' country gerrin' a fortune t' bleat about 'ow dangerous it is in t'middle east. We've gorra team of ale-cart cricketers what meks Bangla-bloody-desh look like 1979 West Indies. An' what's number one at box office? Mr Bean's bloody 'oliday. Jee. Zuss. Christ. Every bugger's gone soft, sitha - mainly in t'ead.

CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
Hell's teeth, I've not felt this paranoid abart bein' poked wi' a pointy weapon since some bugger spiked me pint wi' LSD on that trip t' Leeds Armouries. It's another one o' them 'eroes wi' flyin' daggers jobs from China. Story's straight outta t'Skelmanthorpe Gazette - poisonin', masses o' cleavage, incest, bloody battles, lairy outfits, funny dialects - an' it's a reet bobbydazzler. It's not far off what you'd get if Shakespeare wrote Kill Bill.

WILD HOGS
You'll struggle t'shell out fer owt less funny than this sorry rustbucket of a comedy. These four sad sacks in their 40s decide t'spice up their lives on a motorbike trip. Pity they don't spice up any other bugger's life. It's like a rubbish episode o' the A-Team where they save a town from a gang o' bikers what don't swear cos it's fer kids. What the bloody 'ell did y'expect from four actors what's inflicted Big Momma's House, T'Santa Clause, Be Cool an' Jurassic Park III on us?

PERFECT STRANGER
Now if y'want proper comedy, y'should get along ter see Bruce Wallace and Ally Berry in this. They're tryin' t'push it as a clever murder mystery for t'internet generation, but y'd 'ave ter be Jade Goody t'buy a minute of it. 'E's a flash advertisin' man what fettles owt in a dress an' she's a reporter what reckons 'e murdered one of 'er old mates. Dialogue's more embarrassin' than a bust colostomy bag an' it's abart as convincin' as Brucie's toupee.

The UK Top Ten

I cannot claim surprise. For that, I would need a relatively high opinion of your comedy styling appreciation. I would need to have an inbuilt assumption that you are indeed worthy of being allowed to dictate a list as influential as the UK Top Ten. Alas, I have none of these things. Just a healthy awareness of your abject stupidity. Kudos, Rowan. No one person thought a movie that bad could fool even these no mark filmgoers....

1. Mr Bean's Holiday - They ripped off an old (crap) movie, filled it with a 90s has been character and insulted their audience's collective intelligence by producing one of the least humourous comedies since Sex Lives Of The Potato Men. Naturally, you've kept it at number 1 for 2 consecutive weeks.

2. Blades Of Glory - They don't write scripts for Will Ferrell. They simply dress him in stupid costumes and ask him to shout a lot. The scenes are then assembled into 90 minute cuts, based on which scenes match with each other the most. Voila, a collection of not-very-funny movies.

3. 300 - You thought Top Gun was gay? Wait til you get a load of this. Maybe the gay vote is keeping it top ten? No other theories make as much sense - a film this basic and predictable should be forgotten already.

4. Sunshine - They nearly pulled it off - a thoughtful sci-fi flick that kept you guessing, that, perish the thought, might have something to say. Then the final act turned into Tom & Jerry Vs. Marvin the Martian.

5. Meet The Robinsons - I'd rather not.

6. The Messengers - One of the few times it would be acceptable to shoot them.

7. Premonition - "Have you ever seen the future?" - If lines like this are in the 30-second trailer, imagine how bad the 90 minute movie would be. Then times it by 5. That's how rubbish Premonition is.

8. TMNT - The first movie back in the early 90s defied logic by becoming a hit. Did they really think lightning would strike twice on this? Clearly they did. And clearly, it didn't.

9. The Hills Have Eyes 2 - They call Wes Craven the father of modern horror. I'd like to point out that many fathers are really, really bad at their jobs.

10. Amazing Grace - It's not amazing. It's boring. Boring and old. Old, boring and starring every boring actor ever to go to Rada. Even Neneh Cherry's french mate is in it. That's how boring this movie is.