Cinephilia

Alf gets sloppy seconds and steaming thirds

Bin on me 'olidays (Skeggy again - wife's nowt if not predictable), so managed t'miss most o' this summer's fifty-odd sequels, arf-bakes 'n' rebakes. But norrall of 'em.

SHREK THE THIRD
Did nobdi else notice that they ran art of ideas abart 'alfway through
Shrek 2? Quite liked it, mind, but this un's lame as an oss wi' polio. An' another thing - Shrek's not bloody funny. Donkey's best thing in it but they've stolen 'is thunder wi' some crappy Italian cat. Still, y'can 'ave fotty winks while other folks' kids chuck popcorn at screen.

HOSTEL: PART II
This is what y'might get if y'put three lasses an' a video camera in B&Q's tool department wi' Fred West. There's nowt 'ere what's not in t'first un, so unless yer one o' them freaks what likes watchin' folk gerrin their 'eads cut off on t'internet, best give it a swerve. Is it bloody? Aye - bloody rubbish.

FANTASTIC FOUR: THE RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER
'ey up, it's another dose o' comicbook claptrap fer kids 'n' cretins. Stretchy Man's abart t'get married to Glass Lass, but some flash bugger whizzes past on a tea tray an' causes an 'elicopter to fall on Bogeyman's girlfriend, so Fireboy guz after 'im. Turns out shiny britches int s'bad, but world's gonna end any road. It's abart as adventurous as Steve McLaren but that's not point - it'll sell loads o' toys an' t-shirts.

Alf Huckam

Film de la Semaine: Phillippe Francais on La Vie en Rose

Zut alors! Dining with literary chums from Cahiers du Cinema (Eric Rohmer is a dear old friend) the subject of our exalted conversation ranged from modern plasma screens and their place in the films of Godard to the poser Kelly's Heroes - a cinematic template for Saving Private Ryan?

A civilised afternoon was only slightly marred by an unseemly spat between Jacques Rivette and Claude Chabrol when the latter attempted to slip a packet of Gitanes onto l'addition. Tempers frayed and Claude was forced to contribute the equivalant purchase price. Egalite came at the price of a bruised ego. Comme ci, comme ca.

As the brandy carriage trundled around for a third circuit (the women - Diana Kurys and Agnes Varda - having retired to the drawing room for a needlepoint session) the conversation - defined here as a verbalization of concepts involving abstractions and concrete objects which make up the reality in which we reside - drifted to discussion of the life of Edith Piaf.

Born on the pavement of the Rue de Belleville in December 1915, the "Little Sparrow" (her nickname originated from the small bird, a staple ingredient of the pauper's stew on which her family survived) rose to iconic prominence as a singer after prostitutes at the brothel run by her Italian mother pooled their earnings and send her to audition for French Pop Idol.

Offered a contract on the label run by Stock Aitken et Waterman, she first scored in the French hit parade with Hymne a l'amour, a high energy grunge ballad penned by Ringo Starr and first offered to Jason Donovan.

Multi-platinum selling discs followed... but it wasn't until Non, je ne regrette rien, boosted by a video directed by Jean Renoir, that Piaf was able to afford a rambling stately home in West Sussex and a comprehensive collectiion of onyx table lighters.

As I said to Patrice Leconte as the White Magnums were being served, the film really does....(c'est sufficent - ed)

The UK Top Ten

The selection of summer movies is, obviously, going to contain a whole lot of crap. It happens every year. And you people moan and moan, and the critics moan and moan, and Hollywood.... counts it's millions. You make less sense than a screen door on a battleship. Here, take a look at the movies you currently don't like (but throw money at).

1. Ocean's 13 - The point of the original was to make a fresh, original heist movie on a low budget. So, do you think there's a fairly obvious reason why the second sequel is crap?

2. Pirates Of The Caribbean: World's End - This isn't a sequel as you know it. Rather than do a director's cut of the first two movies, they simply cut together the spare footage and gave it a new name. Not that anyone noticed. "It's too long" was the best you could come up with.

3. Are We Done Yet - Oh yes. Yes you are.

4. Wedding Daze - A film so bad no one even admits to having seen it. Jason Biggs needs a career bypass. Isla Fisher needs to accept her role as Borat's Wife, and stop with this crap.

5. Spider-Man 3 - Again, no one has come out and said how much they liked sitting there for 7 hours watching this. But to stay in the top ten, repeat watches are essential. And you people are going back like Marty McFly on a ragga tip.

6. Paradise Lost - No, not a faithful book adaptation. It's a lot simpler, and crapper, than that. But I'm not going to tell you what it's about. You'll only want to go see it.

7. Zodiac - It's not Se7en.

8. The Hitcher - You see a pack of Buracell batteries and a bottle of Chanel No. 12 at the market, you think 'as if i'd fall for that.'. Then someone offers you a fake leather jacket, so you laugh in their face. But when someone makes a crap imitation of your favourite movie? You lap it up like milk.

9. 28 Weeks Later - If a virus, capable of wiping out a country in 28 days, existed, would you really go back 6 months later to see if it's still there? Erm, no. You wouldn't.

10. Bridge To Taribithia - If the title didn't put you off, the death of a cute rabbit (or some other cute character) about half way through will.

Film de la Semaine: Phillippe Francais on Ocean's Thirteen

Astute cinemagoers will no doubt have noted (as have I) the glaring error in the title Ocean's Thirteen. There is, as any averagely educated cineaste will tell you, just one ocean - a global ocean.

However, to be scrupulously fair to director Steven Soderbergh, an American, the major oceanic divisions are defined in part by the continents, various archipelagos and other criteria.

These divisions are (in descending order of size) the Pacific Ocean, the Atlantic Ocean, the Indian Ocean, the Southern Ocean (which is sometimes subsumed as the southern portions of the Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian Oceans),  the Arctic Ocean and last - and unfortunately least - Danny Ocean, played by George Clooney, husband of skiffle star Rosemary.

Smaller regions of the oceans are called seas, gulfs or bays and - take note, Steven,  there are also some smaller bodies of saltwater that are totally landlocked and not interconnected with the global or World Ocean.

Simple oceanographic blunders are to be expected from film-makers (how I chortled at Alfred Hitchcock's mistaken concept of saline currents in Vertigo - a schoolboy error) but an oversight of this magnitude simple cannot be allowed to pass without comment.

It's not as if Soderbergh is a newcomer to oceanic misconconceptions - Ocean's 11 & 12 were both named on the basis of flawed data. It's about time he took seriously the concept of the hydrosphere.

Anyway, Ocean's Thirteen concerns the strangely landlocked activities of a group of (time out  - ed)....

The UK Top Ten

With Ocean's 13 out this week and Shrek 3, Rush Hour 3 and The Bourne Ultimatum to come, the race is hotting up for the most disappointing threequel of the summer. The thermometer's rising but the barometer of originality is dipping fast... and here's why.

1. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - After numbing bums for three hours, Jerry Bruckheimer's pet whale is ultimately harpooned by the wooden stick that is Keira Knightley.

2. Wedding Daze - Take the recipe for American Pie, leave out the funny bits and presto!, see your comedy souffle sink faster than Jason Biggs in a talent contest.

3. Spider-Man 3 - An experience akin to looking over an excitable child's shoulder as they play a videogame to which you don't know the rules.

4. Paradise Lost - Purgatory found.

5. Zodiac - David Fincher takes three hours to show how hard it is to catch a serial killer without a computer.

6. The Hitcher - Do you see Rutger Hauer taking Sean Bean's seat at Bramall Lane? No. So why is Sean trying to take Rutger's place in psycho history?

7. Bridge To Terabithia - With little competition in the kiddie-flick market right now, the low-rent Narnia continues to keep the nippers quiet.

8. 28 Weeks Later - Britain becomes the land of hope and gory in the zombie lark that shows the US military as incompetent and heavy-handed. Pure fantasy.

9. Mr Bean's Holiday - Does this really make people laugh? Honestly? So much for our world-renowned sense of humour.

10. Cheeni Kum - Up yer bum.

The Brothers Grimm

Below you'll see the celebrities I supposedly look a bit like, to be honest they're more like the pictures of celebrities that look a bit like the picture I happened to upload.

Anyhoo, I've just got back from commenting on the Mark Wahlberg vehicle "Four Brothers" for the Action & Thriller Close-Up programme with my identical bros Tom and Olly and I though it would be fun to see if any of us get the same celebs.

Dom:

I suppose no-one will believe that I got Wahlberg without trying to cheat but I swear it was a coincidence. Maybe I should have been the mysterious and elusive fifth brother in Four Brothers!

OllY:























Olly will love the fact that he got JT but we all know he looks more like Fred "The Wonder Years" Savage! What a shame it is for him, however, that the OC has stopped filming as he could have doubled for either lead male :(

Tom:

Josh Jackson is actually quite an accurate resemblence - the chin and eye-brow arches have it - but you won't find a closer match for Ronan Keating... It's amazing how you can see the exact same expression on two complete strangers. From hairline to eyebrows right down to smile, chin and even stubble-length, Tom and Ronan look to have been separated at birth. Even their neckline and shoulder stance are the same for crying out loud!

So, it looks like our common ground lies with Fred Savage and just about anyone likely to appear on The OC or Dawson's Creek. Who do you look like? Send your findings.

Catch the triplets on Sky Movies Action & Thriller soon.

Alf Huckam gets saddle-sore

Time were that only films what went on longer 'n two hours were Gone Wit Wind, Ben-Ur an' them Cecil Gee De-Mille jobbies. These days y'spend so long in t'bloody cinema y'might as well pay yer bloody council tax there. After an arf-hour o' soddin' adverts an' them unfunny prats what ram Orange phones down us throats, there's a cartload o' trailers what show all t'best bits from owt what's comin' up. So yer already bustin' fer a Jimmy Riddle afore t'film's even bloody started. Then when it does, it guz on fer-bloody-ever.

'Ere's a list o' runnin' times o' some films whats been out s'far this year. I've also med some suggestions o' bits they coulda ditched fer everybody's benefit. But if tha's got piles, a weak bladder or a bad case o' t'fidgets, best avoid this bunch o' arse-cripplers.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End - 2h 48m
Cut it art: any bits wi' Keira Nightmare an' all them double-crosses - it's a flamin' kids film!

The Good Shepherd - 2h 47m
Cut it art: all them scenes where Matt Demon sits there lookin' miserable.

Zodiac - 2h 37m
Cut it art: that dopey basement scene. We know nowt's gonna 'appen ter that cartoonist bloke cos 'e wrote soddin' book.

Casino Royale - 2h 24m
Cut it art: last 20 minutes.

Blood Diamond - 2h 23m
Cut it art: All them bar chats between Leon diCapricorn an' that reporter bird.

Babel - 2h 23m
Cut it art: Kate Blanchflower's never-endin' death scenes. An' that bit where t'deaf lass goes fer a night down t'disco - enough t'give anyone a fit.

Letters From Iwo Jima - 2h 21m
Cut it art: Clint Eastwood's been numbin' everybody's arses fer nearly fotty year, so 'e's not gonna stop now.

Spider-Man 3 - 2h 20m
Cut it art: Where d'ya start? Any villain could go, that kitchen dance... in fact, does anyone give a monkey's which bloody Mary-Jane Mary Jane ends up wi'?

Flyboys - 2h 18m
Cut it art: Love story's bloody rubbish.

The Lives Of Others - 2h 17m
Cut it art: All them theatre scenes.

Flags Of Our Fathers - 2h 12m
Cut it art: see Letters From Iwo Jima.

Dreamgirls - 2h 11m
Cut it art: All t'musical numbers.

Summat else t'look forrard to: Quentin Tarantula's new film is best part o' three'n'arf hours long. Grindhouse? Grind-arse, more like.

Alf Huckam