Cinephilia

Phillipe Francais combs Hairspray for cultural relevance

As you will no doubt have deduced, Hairspray is a common household aqueous solution that is used to keep hair stiff or in a certain style thanks to the active ingredient of a suitable polymer or chemical elastasse.

Some sprays are scented or have colour, no doubt inspiring director Adam Shankman to embark on his adaptation of the stage musical which, in turn, was based on the 1988 cinematic entertainment by John Waters.

What is significant - as any fool would know - is the film's knowing reference to the derivative of non-art aspects of history that were influenced by Postmodernism. It is often understood as an effect of, or reaction to, postmodernity – a historical and cultural period that many believe has succeeded modernity.

So, no it's not - as lesser mortals would have it - a simple anti-racism fable featuring John Travolta in a fat suit.

In fact, Postmodernist ideas in the arts have influenced philosophy and the analysis of culture and society, expanded the importance of critical theory, and been the point of departure for works of literature, architecture, and design, most notably Norman Foster's glass and steel allotment shed just outside Rotherham.

Where Shankman scores highly is...(shut it - ed)

Hitler's Downfalls

If you don't like football, watch the second one. If you do like football, watch the first...

He Was In Predator

He was in Predator, and he has the Apollo Creedentials.

"You deserve more than the guy from Predator 2!"

The UK Top Ten

A war is coming. So which side are you on? Are you the kind of person who yearns for a life more ordinary? Someone who fears the unknown? Then you belong to the side that won't be hard to defeat. All we, the opposition, must do, is offer an all-night bullsh** summer movie marathon in a multiplex and we'll have you right where we want you... Check out the sequels you fell for this week...

1. Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix - Using left over scenes from the previous 4 movies, Warners managed to make a movie without actually making a movie. Kudos.

2. Shrek The Third - The donkey was funny for one film, as was the cat. The Gingerbread Man doesn't get enough screen time while Fiona and Shrek themselves raised 2 laughs in 3 movies, so let's hope they make a fourth, eh?

3. Die Hard 4.0 - A lot of people want to know why the title has a .0 at the end - it's simple. They can issue up to 9 different versions on DVD now, and rip you off some more.

4. Fantastic 4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer - Special effects have come some way over the years. One day they'll make a movie without any acting talent whatsoever. This is that movie.

5. Ocean's 13 - Sure, they all act as smug as a bag of post-feeding cats. And maybe they do love themselves more than anyone else possibly could. But hey, they don't charge much to star in the Ocean movies, so that's OK, right? No, no it isn't.

6. Pirates Of The Caribbean: World's End - If they hadn't written such a laborious script, you'd think this was 4 hours of Johnny Depp looking in a mirror and telling himself, "I'm good."

7. Hostel 2 - Torture, rape, murder... in all seriousness, can any one person justify this movie? Comparing naysayers with Daily Mail readers doesn't wash.

8. Moliere - Godard, Truffaut, Rozier, Demy... all that they did, all that they achieved... and now the French are right back where they started. And you're helping to finance it. Actually... that's good work.

9. Naqaab - Asphinctersayswhat?

10. La Vie En Rose - At first it seemed like a positive - a foreign, perhaps even art house movie in the UK top ten. Then we realised - it's a remake, and we all know how much you love remakes.

Alf Huckam and the Order of the Kleenex

'Appen cinema listin's look like bloody pools coupons at minute. Spiderman 3 - Ostel 2; Pirates 3 - Fantastic Four 2; Die Ard 4 - Shrek 3; Arry Potter 5 - Ocean's soddin' 13. Lookin' at that many numbers brings back bad memories o' that time t'wife dragged me to bingo. Frightenin'.

DIE HARD 4.0
Last one o' these Bob Willis action arse-arounds were 12 year since, but nowt much's changed. 'E's still bald, 'is vest's still ripped, an' t'baddies are still bloody 'opeless. Usual gibberish - cars fallin' darn liftshafts, jet planes blowin' up big lorries, an' FBI blokes gerrin shirty - all washed darn wi' Bob's trademark smart-arsery. Dunno abart dyin' ard, but it were bloody ard t'swaller.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
'Ere we are again. A fifth load o' wizardy-woo wi' too much focus on British kids what can't act and too little on British grown-ups what can. Really gets me goat t'think that these little buggers aven't even left school but their pensions are already sorted. Same story - one teacher gives 'Arry grief while that villain wi' no nose does nowt but still 'as everyone brickin' it. Never mind, two more year 'n' it'll all be over. Thank Christ.

TAXIDERMIA
Now I'm nowt if norra man o' t'world, but what in the bleedin' blue blazes is goin' on 'ere? Some bloke's todger sets afire, then 'e rogers a chicken, then they 'ave a kid what looks like Jabba the Hutt. I've 'eard this 'appens a fair bit in Macclesfield but when another bloke what's a taxidermist starts stuffin' 'imself, there's summat up good'n'proper. It were made in Hungary. They allus were a queer bunch.

Who Wrote Die Hard 4.0?

Imdb claims that Mark Bomback is the man who wrote Die Hard 4.0, but is it not possible to receive a "put someone else's ideas into a random order and made a new script" credit?

US government building blown up - Independence Day

Traffic Lights create havoc in city - Italian Job

"I repeatedly asked you to call me dad" - Armageddon line.

Killing a helicopter with a motor vehicle - Brian Bosworth's Stone Cold

Juggernaut racing down freeway - Matrix 2/ Terminator 2

Jet fighter punch up (including character that lands on wing) - True Lies

Geeks killed by C4 programmed to explode on particular key stroke rather than by the 4 men outside with silenced guns - Actually, they made this one up themselves.

The UK Top Ten

Multiplexes are the worst place to be at this time of year. Overrun with kids, overpriced coke and the scourge of cinema - the blockbusters, you're better off steering well clear of the whole sordid mess. But you don't, do you? You revel in this, this 'feast' of crap. Check out what lit your fire last week. And hang your head in shame.

1. Shrek 3 - A sequel, a CGI cartoon featuring CGI animals... you loved it, didn't you? The fact that this is now the Scary Movie franchise of CGI cinema doesn't bother you, largely cos you love Scary Movie 4 as much as this. I know your kind.

2. Die Hard 4.0 - What bothers me here is that it isn't number one. No, it shouldn't be. It's the ultimate cash in movie - but you don't know that yet and EVERYONE has to go see John McClane. Yet even though half of the cool stuff was sacrificed for a no-mark 12 rating, you picked Shrek? Christ on a throne. 

3. 4: Rise Of Silver SZzzzzz - No, I didn't forget the Fantastic in the title - they did. They couldn't get the title right. Did this not put you off?

4. Ocean's 13 - Fancy spending a couple of hours listening to a bunch of overpaid actors talk about how cool they are? Then rent the first one. At least it's cheaper than going to watch this, and it's a bit shorter too.

5. Pirates Of The Caribbean 2 - Why the jumping hell are you still watching this? If you didn't get it the first time, then let it go...

6. Hostel 2 - It's great right? Tarantino said so, and he only made the biggest bomb since Heaven's Gate, so he MUST have his finger on the pulse.

7. Apne - Erm... eh?

8. La Vie En Rose - Bless you.

9. Tell No One - You guys make no sense to me. At a time when most of yuo apparenly NEED to watch a talking cat, donkey and monster, you decide you might also want to see a French thriller about a man and his dead wife?

10. Vacancy - When you see the leads acting to someone off-screen on this one, they are talking to tennis balls or pictures of each other. Even the actors banned themselves from this film. It's true.

The Bum Rush

Please read and digest a passage from The Guardian, written by Owen Gibson and Richard Wray in regard to Setanta's introduction to televised Premiership football.

And who the hell is Angus Scott? Anyway, I digress. Back to that extract... "(Setanta's) new pricing plans follow (their) swoop on high-profile presenters with Blackburn Rovers and Spurs captain Tim Sherwood lured from Sky to sit alongside his former team-mate Les Ferdinand as well as Steve McManaman and anchorman Angus Scott..."

Note the respect they give to Tim Sherwood, a man who has shown no presenting ability whatsoever, a man whose footballing knowledge has never been tested outside of naming the players at his former club (he refers to opposing team players by their shirt numbers), a man whose grasp of his native tongue shows no formal training, at school level or post. And then consider who he is to sit alongside.

Ah yes, Sir Les, a man who simply couldn't have found a more ill-suited post-retirement vocation. A man so wooden his last late-night ITV guest put a glass of water on his head during the weekly Div 1 round up.

Steve McManaman, meanwhile, is the rookie in the fold. Having not presented so much as the winning raffle ticket at a village fete, 'Macca' is expected to provide the counter to Sky's Jamie 'everybody loves me, cos I'm Jamie Redknapp' Redknapp. Until 'Redders' gives up the fags, he too can consider himself lucky to be making a living out of nothing but talk, a role he carries out to an almost psychotic degree. With a words-rate-per-minute rating showing him better suited to night club MCing, Redknapp's own bronchi are the only known substance capable of bringing him down from his inevitable vocally induced highs. Imagine a horse racing commentator on speed talking about a bunch of people he "used to play with and knows really well", who then collapses with hooping cough.

If that's their presenting line up (clearly, one that ITV would kill for), then they best hope they've got the pick of the Premiership fixtures....

Worst Clips Ever

Check out this range of awful movies, and the scenes that define them.

Nids Interviews Willis!

Admittedly, we've gone a little Die Hard crazy of late, but these are the last 2 videos. I promise. 

First up, our very own reporter managed to get 8 minutes with Bruce!



...and secondly, check out Ben Stiller's awesome parody, Die Hard 12: Die Hungry.