Cinephilia

The UK Top Ten

So it seems the silly cinema season is at an end. No more blockbusters, animated talking animals or Brett Ratner movies. But you couldn't let it go, could you? You had to maximise the stupidity while you could. It makes me sick.

1. The Bourne Ultimatum - The thinking man's action movie, they say. Well it's a shame the thinking man couldn't come up with a story. Jason's going to find out how it all started? Turns out the writers forgot about that bit.

2. Knocked Up - Apparently we should all see this because it's from the people behind 40 Yr Old Virgin, allegedly the 'best comedy ever'. Well it wasn't, and neither is this.

3. Rush Hour 3 - Being constantly cynical about Hollywood fare can be challenging. Which is why i salute Brett Ratface, who deserves every insult we can come up with for this offensive piece of crap.

4. The Simpsons Movie - Early on Homer mocks the audience for paying for something they could get for free at home. You do realise Homer doesn't exist right? And that's it's Fox mocking you?

5. Harry Potter and the Blah blah zzzzzz

6. Transformers - The only way this could possibly still be in the list is if you are going every week like it's church. That makes Michael Bay god. Is that waht you want? Michael Bay to be god? Then stop going. Please.

7. Bratz: The Movie - Too easy. Next?

8. Surf's Up - The last of the talking animal flicks for the foreseeable future, Surf's Up should have sunk a long time ago.

9. Hairspray - Remaking a movie that is immensely popular is nothing but nothing but pure and total greed. But i don't blame the producers, I blame the idiots that pay for it.

10. Heyy Babyy - Eh?

Hollywood fails it's A-L-F levels

Tell me summat. If A-level results 'ave got better 58 years in a row, that means folk in this country are brighter now than ever, right? So 'ow come Rush Hour 3's number one at box office? God 'elp us.

The Bourne Ultimatum
Lucky fer us dimwits that there's still somebody art there what can mek an action film what (a) meks sense, (b) keeps y'interested an' (c) don't mek y'deaf. This is one of abart three films put out this year what's worth shellin' out good brass fer. It's third one o' them thrillers what 'as Matt Damian as that spy what can't remember owt. Blessin' in a disguise if y'ask me. An' even though 'e'd be a right asset, CIA wants ter kill 'im. Bloody Yanks, eh?

Rush Hour 3
Who the bloody 'ell is this Chris Tucker idiot, any road? E's not even Chris flamin' Rock, lerralone Eddie Murphy. As fer that Jackie Chang - 'e must be nearly as old as me. An' why folk are still listenin' to 'em screechin' their way through a third pile o' cops'n'robbers tripe is beyond me. Buddy movies they call 'em. Aye - buddy awful.

Copying Beethoven
Copyin' bloody Amadeus, more like. This is like one o' them Sunday night period dramas BBC put on t'get everybody ter bed early. Ed Morris does a top Bob Geldof impression in it. Pity 'e's supposed t'be Beethoven. Tale goes that 'e were inspired t'finish a masterpiece by some pretty lass called Anna who understands 'is scribble and gives 'im sponge baths. Trouble is, lass what plays Anna is to actin' what Beethoven was to 'earing.

The UK Top Ten

You could be forgiven for the choice you have, the range of summer movies not being quite the selection one would hope for at any time of year. Could be, but you are not. Because you see the selection August brings, and you come out in force. Crap sequels? Check. Crap remakes? check. Crap adaptation of a crap toy line which originated on the front of lunchboxes? Double check.

1. Rush Hour 3 - Brett Ratner doesn't make good films. If he did, this wouldn't have been made at all. Racist, sexist, laziest... this film is at number one. You're quite thick, aren't you?

2. The Simpsons Movie - This will be shown on TV more than the episode where Bart shoots a pigeon. So you choose to spend money seeing it at the cinema? It's the only time Homer turns the tables, and gets to laugh at you.

3. Transformers - It doesn't make any sense, you cannot follow the action (the only bits worth watching) and it's far too long. So here it is, still.

4. Harry Potter & The Order Of The Phoenix - The vast majority of people going to watch this already know how it ends. How sad is that?

5. Evan Almighty - So it's a sequel to a hugely successful original, it has a massive budget and retains much of the original cast - but, despite him even agreeing to Ace Ventura 2, they couldn't get Carrey? This should tell you something.

6. Hairspray - Shot for shot remakes do not deserve any comment on this blog.

7. Surf's Up - Talking animals have to be in a very clever situation to keep us interested. Penguins surfing is not up there with the best ideas of all time. Even if it is done in a mockumentary manner, like Blair Witch or Kenny. That's right, Kenny, that Aussie movie about a toilet guy. It's a mockumentary. Kenny is played by an actor. Despite what they want you to believe.

8. Licence To Wed - A friend of mine told me this - "I was pushing my feet into the seat in front of me to get away form the screen, I was cringing that much."

9. Shrek The Third - Oh for christsakes. I hope the next story they cover is the Emperor's New Clothes. Maybe they can compare me to the guy that shouts out "You've been had". Cos you have, by going to see the same film three times.

10. Chak De India - Apparently, this is "the story of a hockey player who returns to the game as a coach of a women's hockey team." I have yet to see a Bollywood movie worth the effort and this sounds like a bad episode of  Grange Hill.

Clubber Was A Mythical Character

It's big news here at Sky Movies - Mr T has come out and confirmed that Clubber Lange was not a real fighter, but he was, in fact, a mythical one.

Mr T has explained all on a US magazine show called Backstage. Aside from the headline news, T also explains the truth behind his gold chains, his new TV show (In which he pulls out such wonderful lines as; "I ain't no shrink, but I dont shrink away from no challenge neither!" and "I'm just teaching fools some basic rules"), and how much he loves his mum.

Mr T, take it away...

Look - No Billboards!

The city council in Sao Paolo recently banned billboards from the streets. no more will drivers and pedestrians be exposed to garish neon lights advertising beer, bras and burgers.

The promos people at Sky Movies never miss a trick...

Alf's almightily unamused

Sad days fer comedy, these. First Bernard Mannin', then blockbuster merchants Ingrid Bergman and Antony Unnibunni kark it in t'same week. Then Evan Almighty comes out. Seventh Seal changed me life, tha noz... first wife were so bored in it she ran off wi'  an usher from Cleethorpes Picture Palace.

TRANSFORMERS
Robots in disguise? Robots in bloody disgrace, more like. This gibberish were so loud it gev me tinnittinus fer three days. It were like bein' chucked round a car wreckers by a gang o' neo-Nazis, then dumped in a compactor. What's it abart? It's abart robbin' dopey teenagers o' seven quid before buggerin' their eardrums fer life.

THE HOAX
'ey up, it's Richard Gere in natty gear - an' a nice Bamber Gascoigne 'aircut t'boot. Back in 1971 some cheeky apeth med out that 'e were gonna write 'Oward 'Ughes autobibliography. Turns out 'e were lyin' like a cheap Chinese watch. Mind you, 'e were nowt at lyin' compared t' that Nixon bugger. No stranger to a bit o' jiggery-pokery, that lad. Arf decent film this but nubdi's gonna see it cos they'll all be watchin' that Simpsons whatnot.   

EVAN ALMIGHTY
A sorrier excuse fer comedy I 'ave yet t'see. If there were a God, whoever med this feeble barrel-scraper'd be well'n'truly buggered. Tell ya what's funny abart it - absolutely nowt. Jokes're so lame they wouldn't mek it inter t'bloody Beano. 'Ow many times can a bloke fall off a plank o' wood? Too flamin' many. Save yerselves.

Alf Huckam