I couldn't handle it. The cinema. I had to give it up. They broke me down with a relentless barrage of movie making that was so woeful, it's a wonder the writers didn't striek sooner. What worries me the most is, the studios have an emergency bunch of scripts they didn't think they'd ever need to use. And if they were willing to make Fred Claus, then woe betide us all.
1. American Gangster - Let's face it, the pair going head to head in this movie were last seen in Virtuosity, a movie that made less sense than it's own title. A drug dealer making money before being busted? Oooh, original. Even Sir Ridley couldn't make this interesting.
2. Beowulf - If a moviemaker is to create his own rules, he has to stick by them. Zemeckis created a realistic-looknig world, then introduced horses. They Animate Horses, Don't They? Yes. Badly.
3. Stardust - The day Robert De Niro susses out the one genre he has yet to master, he will probably retire. Until then, expect plenty of 'De Niro as a gay pirate' roles. And what about the bit where Pfeiffer is smashing the mirrors? Worst. Acting. Ever.
4. Ratatouille - While Dreamworks and co. became obsessed with talking animals, Pixar rose above it and flatly refused to get involved with cutesy zoo animals/ penguins with human voices. And then they blew it.
5. Good Luck Chuck - There is almost no redeeming feature in regards to this movie. Actually, let me rephrase; There's no almost about it. It really is that bad. One joke features a man giving oral sex to a stuffed penguin. At no point, at no age, in no walk of life, is that ever going to be funny.
6. The Darjeeling Limited - Making a film quirky does not automatically make a film good. This is, perhaps, where Wes Anderson is coming unstuck.
7. August Rush - A rubbish Oirish accent, Freddie Highmore as a modern day Mozart, a plot that you've forgotten before yuo've finished eading the review... this really is as boring as it gets.
8. Shrooms - People take magic mushrooms, go nuts, get murdered. In an effort to reinvent the slasher movie, all they did was add hallucination-inducing drugs into the mix. Clever, reeeeeallll clever.
9. Elizabeth : The Golden Age - Rarely will you see a more blatant and lazy attempt to win an Oscar. They even re-wrote history to help Blanchett on her way. If the Oscars are not on this year, it'll be exactly what people like these filmmakers deserve.
10. 30 Days Of Night - It's astonishing to hear of how original and clever this movie is. All they did was find a reason to make the night time last longer in a vampire movie. Anyone of us could have thought of an idea like this. Why didn't I? Alright, I will.
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