Cinephilia

All rise for Sparta!

Every now and then a movie comes along that is so well, er, gay that it presents a watertight case for a cinema in Old Compton Street.

300 is such a film. Like an animated centrespread from Attitude magazine, this stirring tale of the defence of ancient Sparta takes the aesthetic of a stereotypical Muscle Mary and shackles it in furry cuffs to the campness of Up Pompeii.

However, where blustering old queen Frankie Howerd used his toga to disguise a puny frame, this postively rejoices in dinky velvet cloaks, Anne Summers leather posing pouches and more six-packs than a branch of Threshers. There's not even the need for a helmet pun.

Parading off to the coast with nary a glance back, 300 toned warriors turn their backs on their womenfolk and head to the beach for some serious physical contact. Oh yes.

The mere thought would have been enough to get the late, lamented Frankie (pictured left) to grab his trusty shield (a family sized packet of Trojans), trusty spear (you work it out) and Spartacus beach towel to join the testosterone-fest at the dunes.

"It's not gay," chorus the laddish audience of Frank Miller freaks who get off on gory decapitations, severed heads and gouts of blood spurting from oiled bodies like ocean spray. Oh, but it is.

Critical mass

The normal code of manners during a press screening is one of professional detachment as the movie on offer is evaluated for quality and entertainment value.

In other words, you're not supposed to clap or scream as that would reveal you as a mere member of the general public. And you'd look pretty daft.

However, there are occasions when simple human emotions break through the icy reserves of the film reviewer...and such a case concerned the British rom-com The Truth About Love.

The movie focuses on the unreciprocated love for Jennifer Love-Hewitt professed by (alliteration alert) Bristol barrister and boat-builder Dougray Scott.

When Doug declares his feelings for Love-Hewitt - who is being roundly cuckolded by her philandering lawyer husband - she looks aghast and does a runner.

Kicking his heels, Dougray mopes up the cobbled path to the Clifton Suspension Bridge where he leans over the ramparts and gazes into the swirling river below.

Casting aside the rules of reviewing, the scribes at the screening en masse exhorted the feckless Dougray to "jump".

At least he would have been spared the reviews.

Normal service was swiftly resumed at the screening of The Science of Sleep.

Censors go soft on hard sex

Diehard smutmeisters will no longer have to furtively side into dingy Soho doorways to make their sordid purchases.

No, a brisk walk into HMV ought to do the trick after the British Board of Film Classification basically dispensed with one of the last obstacles to across-the-counter porn.

Shortbus, a feelgood romantic comedy, also has more genuine, graphic sex than any other movie to be granted a certificate for mainstream cinema.

The movie, which features unsimulated scenes of straight sex, gay sex, orgy sex, onanistic sex, lesbian sex and voyeuristic sex, has been granted an 18 certificate by the BBFC.

Normal hardcore films were only available with the R18 rating from licensed sex shops - not your local branch of Blockbuster. That's changed.

Directed by John Cameron Mitchell, the film revolves around Shortbus, a New York salon where a cross section of Manhattanites drop by to chat about politics, play spin the bottle and bonk like mad.

BBFC regulations dictate that real sex scenes can be passed the more user-friendly 18 if they they can be "exceptionally justified by context" are not 'sex work' - ie a bit of rumpy-pumpy designed to stimulate.

This latest offering will bring a tired sigh of resignation to readers of the Daily Mail - just last week the BBFC passed uncut the art house offering Destricted.

This charming little collection of meditations on the fine line between art and porn featured one young fellah humping a 50-ton earthmover with a root vegetable where the sun don't shine.

Now don't start complaining there's a lack of choice....

Star Wars In 60 Seconds

You've no doubt already heard about the forthcoming Star Wars - Shortened that's taking place next week (we're also going to be showing the thing on Sky Movies as we've got a crew to film it). Well, I also just found out that we might well be able to get the guys behind it to do a 60-second rendition just for skymovies.com. I'm going to harass production to cut it together and I'll put it on the website as soon as I can.

The whole Star Wars saga summed up in 60 seconds. By Shakespearean-trained actors. Cool.

In the mean time, there's loads of Star Wars videos here.

Rich Phippen

Did you hear the one about the Lobster and the Tomato?

If, like me, you're about to reach boiling point with another viewing of Film 4's really clever utterly stupid Lobster and Tomato campaign, you might enjoy this fiendish lesson in piggy-backing.

Sky Movies have gone and made their own Lobster Bisque (without spending £4 million I might add) and the message is simple...

We spend money on quality films rather than dressing up the odd Dame as a Tomato. Oh, and we don't interrupt our movies with endless advert-breaks either.

To see it in all it's Thermador glory... CLICK HERE!

When you see the pop-up, choose your speed and wait for the clip to load.

Right click on the video window and select 'Zoom' for Full Screen options.

It's Too Hot!

Okay! We're in a bit of heatwave at the moment. Some people say it's hotter than ever. Clever people who went to university have told me it's down to something called Global Warming. I did some research on this and it's true, just ask George Bush.

Lights, Camera, Aston...

Rumours drifting from the set of the latest Bond outing Casino Royale suggest the new car of choice - the Aston Martin DBS - is like no other.

Sean Connery's 1964 DB5 boasted Browning .30 calibre machine guns hidden behind the front indicators,  retractable blades in the tyre spinners, an oil slick spray from the rear light cluster and an ejector seat.

In The Living Daylights, Timothy Dalton's Aston V8 Vantage Volante was equipped with  side-skis and a rocket propulsion system while Pierce Brosnan's Vanquish for Die Another Day had bonnet-mounted target-seeking guns as well as a "cloaking device" which meant it could literally disappear.

But poor old Daniel Craig has to put up with an Aston - albeit the latest version - with absolutely no gadgets whatsover. Not even a pen-knife in the glovebox.

Let's hope he can trap a villain's head in the automatic window.

The Da Vinci Toad

  It's difficult to believe that this little fellah (pictured left) has sent seismic tremors down the corridors of the Vatican thanks to his potential to bring the Catholic Church crashing down. A bit.

To give him his simple Latin name he's Danbrownius Nonsensicus...but to shady figures in the upper reaches of the secretive Catholic sect Argus Cat O'Logue his common name - The Da Vinci Toad - represents the greatest threat ever to the Papal right to burn incense, whip schoolboys and conduct masses that can last months.

Intricate markings on the swamp-dwelling amphibian are said to have inspired Leonardo DiCaprio's masterpiece - Gangs of New York - but they also serve as a delicate code which holds the secret protected by both Popes and Cardinals down the centuries. We try to piece together the disparate elements that together offer a tantalising glimpse into something so dark....you can't see it.

Files dating back to 1954 and recently released by NASA show that markings on the back of the holy toad resemble an obscure map that shows from which planet the Roswell aliens originally set forth. But, this has got nothing to do with anything. Studying Pentagon photographs of the bizarre creatures (pictured left) it is possible to pinpoint a small, fractured code near the green one's left ear. With the help of a Hubble telescope it is possible to work out ancient script which leads us northwards, up the A1 (M) to Middlesbrough and a medieval council estate.

It is at number seven, Tatou Close, that Mr & Mrs Hanks have the next piece of the jigsaw literally hanging over their mantlepiece.

Originally painted in 1543 by Sir Rolf Harrees, royal portrait painter by appointment to the Dutch court, the treasure went missing following a mysterious fire in the bedchambers of Amsterdam courtiers The Van Der Valks.

Despite the best efforts of elite art historians down the ages, including Lord Robert Elms (before his successful circumnavigation of the globe and discovery of Spain), the priceless oil-on-canvas completely disappeared off the face of the earth. Until now.

The Hanks insist they bought the painting off a persistent Irishman who had a sideline selling hard-to-locate works of art alongside his driveway resurfacing business. 

That man, we can exclusively reveal, was Bono, making ends meet between global stadium tours of his all-conquering skiffle combo U2.

Tongues really began to wag when it was pointed out that during the Italian leg of the band's world tour Bono and the Pope were never spotted in the same room together.

The answer, of course, is that Bono and Pope Benedict XVI don't just share the same initials - THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON.

FACT!

In Midnight Cowboy (1969), Dustin Hoffman kept pebbles in his shoe to ensure his limp was consistent.

Captain Fact-tastic

FACT!

In China, Oscar winner As Good As It Gets (1997) was re-titled as Mr Cat Poop.