Cinephilia

Well hellooo

It's me Jackie Rambells calling from downtown Berlin with my World Cup round-up.

It's kick-off at midnight down the KitKat Club and here's the hunks I'd like to knock out in the qualifying rounds.

Russell Crowe: He's a first-class striker (especially if he's got a telephone in his hand).

Sean Penn: My main choice defender - he'll protect us from everything nasty in the world - from raving, right-wing neocons to over-zealous traffic wardens on Hollywood Boulevard.

Tom Cruise:  Top Gun showed little TC is a demon on the wing - he can prematurely eject round my place anytime he likes.

Tom Hanks: Stick him in goal - he's a safe pair of hands between the sticks and can handle anything that comes his way. And I mean anything. Yes sirree.

Charlton Heston: You don't get wingers more to the right than old Spartacus. And with a sideline as top hotshot of the National Rifle Association, I've got him firmly in my sights.

Daniel Day-Lewis: He's got a cracking left foot...and you know what they say???

Star-spotted - our regular round-up of celebrity sightings:

Christian Ronaldo: Spotted sharing a tequila slammer with Daniel Craig at Stilletoes Bar, Tring, discussing his upcoming role a Bond villain.

Ronnie Corbett has been clocked inking a deal to play peerless England striker Peter Crouch in the lanky wunderkind's forthcoming biopic Heaven Up There.

Danny Dyer and Mike Reid caught shooting the breeze over a nice Tesco red in Geezers, Peckham, discussing their casting as the young and old Terry Venables in the upcoming Cockernee and Bull Story.

Theo Walcott was toasting his success at Perivale's Wacky Warehouse with a magnum of Cidona after landing the role of The Invisible Man remake.

That's the final whistle...don't get sent off y'all!!!

Jackie

Hot Sauce Served Straight from Hollywood's (Holy) Mouth

Hosannah and have mercy! It's me....Sister Jackie Rambells down on my knees for your divine pleasure....

Well, praise be to Monsignor Ron Howard and Bishop Tom Hanks for getting the Catholic Church in a right old tizzy.

In recognition of Da Da Vinci Code's global impact on plotting Papists, this week I've donned a wimple (above) for the column that gives you the goss fresh from the celebrity dives of Sunset Boulevard.

Slugging back a large Baileys followed by a Malibu chaser in the library bar of The Savoy, Whitehaven, I hoovered up a bit of Bay Area gossip. (that's Morecambe - not San Francisco).

Getting cosy on a lilac chesterfield sofa were none other than Jade Goody and Julie Andrews. The subject of their delicious witterings was Nicole Kidman's hen night. The plan is to dress the flame-haired Australian beauty up as a chicken draped with L-plates and head off to the Pig & Whistle in Newcastle's perpetually cutting-edge Bigg Market.  After several toffee apple flavoured Bacardi Breezers it'll be down to the Quayside and a night of frantic jitterbuggin' on The Bowat. Champion.

Breathless word reaches me from Harry's Bar in Erdington, Birmingham, that former Desert Island Disc presenter Sue Lawley is on the short list to replace Bez in the Happy Mondays for the comeback soup-in-a-basket haul of northern branches of Subway. Apparently the Dudley DJ was talked into it by Sean Ryder following a heavy night in the alternative medicine aisle of Boots, Worthing.

From the set of Friday the 13th Part XVXXXXVIIIX, saucy Sly Stallone calls me with a bit of hot gossip about co-star Lady Victoria Hervey. Apparently, Dan Brown has been trying to get hold of the Acton It Girl regarding reports that she can claim a French bloodline going back to Mary Magdalene. At least I think Sly said Magdalene. He mumbles so much, it could have been someone else. Mandy Moore, Rice, Antoinette? Whatever.

Star-spotted - our weekly round-up of celebrity sightings.

A disturbed Leonard Nimoy was forced to take legal action when he was stalked by a obsessed fan (left). The man, known only as Archbishop Desmond Tutu, went to the extremes of dressing identically as his idol as well as dying his face the same colour with strange off-yellow pigment.

The onetime Star Trek mainman told Stoke on Trent County Court that the man's claims that he was the architect of apartheid were deeply offensive and just plain wrong.

While cutting the tape at the grand opening of Netto, Swindon, Babs Windsor let it slip that she's been approached to be the love interest of Samuel L Jackson in Michael Winner's light-hearted remake of Ingmar Bergman's Scener ur ett äktenskap (Scenes from a Wedding).

JIMMY TARBUCK: The Scouse wag and veteran raconteur was spotted tipping back the Cristal in the newly-refurbished lounge of The Jolly Sailor, Corby, following the news he'd been crowned the British Dental Assocation's "Mouth of the Month".

That's all from me...I'm off to Confession. Don't wait up.

Byeeeeeeeee

Jackie

XXX

Hot Sauce served straight from Hollywood's big mouth

Well, hi there movie fans. Is that a front-release Bolex H-16 movie camera with a rewind shaft and unwinding handle. Or are you just pleased to see me?

I'm Jackie Rambells and I'm on the hotline to Hollywood with all the latest goss. Scuse me while I drop the receiver...because this news is burning up the telegraph lines.

Ickle Tom Cruise. The little Scientology guy with the funny run and on-demand tear duct? Well, I can tell you - and you'll hear it here first - that he's not as tall as he looks on screen.

No way. Apparently he's got built-ups custom crafted by Jimmy Choo and wears a set of Clark's Commandoes for the action scenes. That boy'll go far.

And worrabout crazy Chris Walken?  He of True Romance, Pulp Fiction and the remake-tastic rebore of The Stepford Wives.

He's a bit of mad one is Chris...which makes him the ideal material for president. Click here to help Wacky Walken on the long road to the White House. Some folks have suggested this site may be a spoof...but Chris ain't that crackers.

Sipping Sunny-D margheritas with Woody Allen and Bobby Davro in The Four Seasons, Telford, I chanced upon this piece of shocking goss. Cuba Gooding Jr is back on board for Boat Trip II. The pitch is this: Cuba and co-star Jim Bowen are gettin' jiggy with some cheerleaders when their cruiseliner hits an iceberg (played by Richard Griffiths). Cue mayhem as Jim re-works some of the tensest moments from Bullseye to get them home and dry.

Star-spotted - our weekly round-up of celebrity sightings.

RALPH FIENNES: Taking his driving test in a Ford Mondeo on the South Shields ring-road.

GWYNETH PALTROW: Queing up for family benefit for Apple and Moses near Peckham Library.

BERNARD MANNING: Shooting the breeze with Ben Stiller and Matthew McConaughey during Happy Hour in Zapper's Bar,  Wakefield.

CHRISTOPHER ECCLESTONE: Working the tills at Lidl, Solihull in preparation for Robert Aldrich's supermarket ensemble murder mystery Safeway Park.

GLENN CLOSE & NORMAN WISDOM: Househunting in Salford Quays.

That's all for now. Love ya!

Byeeeeeeee

Jackie