Cinephilia

The UK Top Ten

Ah, late summer weekends. There's nothing like stepping into the sunshine, breathing in that unseasonally warm air, ignoring the fact that it all points to impending environmental armageddon, and deciding to make the most of the day... by sitting in a dark cinema for three hours.

1. Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby - Hoho... that Will Ferrell... haha... we can't even... chortle... look at him without... guffaw... cracking up! More self-satisfied idiocy with the world's most over-rated comedian. Ali G co-stars.

2. The Queen - Nearly a decade on and we're still picking at the scab of Princess Di's death. What larks we can have with the benefit of hindsight. Wonder if Helen Mirren will "do" Her Maj if she wins the Oscar?

3. The Black Dahlia - She had a great body... shame it was in two pieces. It was a bad day to be a dame. After two hours of watching the cops getting nowhere on a case that was never solved, it was a bad day to be a movie-goer too.

4. You, Me And Dupree - Two of those people are bright enough to spend their cash elsewhere.

5. Little Man - Another comedy vacuum from the Wayans brothers. Pea-brained garbage for tiny minds.

6. Little Miss Sunshine - Laughs, heart, pathos, great acting - almost guaranteed to disappear from this list next week.

7. The Night Listener - Robin Williams in creepy One Hour Photo/Insomnia mode. Anything's got to be better than Patch Adams. Or Jakob The Liar. Or Bicentennial Man. Or Jack. Or...

8. DOA: Dead Or Alive - Butt-kickin' babes in an action frenzy - all riiiiiight! Dude, toss me a Mountain Dew and watch me burp the Star-Spangled Banner. With my shorts down - yeah!

9. The Sentinel - Remarkably unremarkable thriller in which Michael Douglas does The Fugitive while Keifer Sutherland shamelessly cashes another cheque for playing Jack Bauer in a suit.

10. Right At Your Door - Marital problems ensue when a bloke's missus comes home covered in ultratoxic bomb-dust. Starts great; folds like a cheap penknife.

The UK Box Office

Here's another list of movies that really ought to be packed in a bag, taped to a rocket and sent into orbit for eternity.

1. Mission: Impossible 3 - It took less than £5m, which is, quite frankly, rubbish.
2. Confetti - It's a Brit comedy. Which, ironically, means it won't be very funny.
3. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Cool! Did Pixar make it? No? Oh... I see...
4. Silent Hill - Following in the steps of Super Mario and Street Fighter isn't something to be proud of.
5. 16 Blocks - Bruce Willis as a washed up, over the hill cop? There's an original concept.
6. Scary Movie 4 - Jerry Zucker has made the same film 16 times now. And it hasn't been funny since Airplane.
7. American Dreamz - It's not funny and it sure as hell ain't clever.
8. Slither - We can't slate this movie. It knows it's rubbish and it plays on that.
9. She's The Man - Worst. Title. Ever.
10. Inside Man - So predicatable the most surprising element was the end credits.

The UK Box Office

Here's the latest top ten movies that you shouldn't waste your life watching.

1. Ice Age 2: The Meltdown - Want to spend 2 hours in a room full of screaming brats? Thought not.
2. Silent Hill - They cancelled the pre-release screening and no one knows why. I do. It's rubbish.
3. Scary Movie 4 - How the hell are the Wayans not unemployed?
4. American Dreamz - Pop Idol isn't worth mentioning, let alone spending 90 mins 'parodying'.
5. She's The Man - So?
6. Take The Lead - ...by not getting out of your seat to go see this movie.
7. Inside Man - The bad guy is not who you thought it was. And I haven't even seen it.
8. Eight Below - Eight films too many more like. For Paul Walker. Yeah alright, tenuous.
9. An American Haunting - Based on a true story? Believe that and you're the type to enjoy this crap.
10. Tristan & Isolde - Makes you wish our government could ban certain breeds of movie really.

Rich Phippen

The UK Box Office

Here we go with another bout of anti-film loving madness.

1. Ice Age 2 - MOR actors provide MOR voices to an MOR cartoon.
2. Scary Movie 4 - How the f**k did they get the second one green lit?
3. Inside Man - Kind of like a Spike Lee joint, but without the weed.
4. Take The Lead - With a movie like this, someone's taking the p**s.
5. She's The Man - She'd better not be.
6. An American Haunting - About as scary as An American In Paris.
7. Alien Autopsy - I bet a film with Ant and Dec in seemed like a good idea at the time.
8. Failure To Launch - The title says it all.
9. The Shaggy Dog - Ok, which dumbass parents insist on lining Tim Allen's formerly drug-riddled pockets?
10. Humko Deewana Kar Gaye - Excuse me?

The UK Box Office

Here's this week's rather negative take on the movies that are wasting our time at the cinema...

1. Ice Age 2 - Mediocre animation with a non-existant story make this a half-arsed Pixar wannabe.
2. She's The Man - Hollywood writers trying to re-write Shakespeare in modern times with annoying 20-somethings. Et tu Andy Fickman.
3. Alien Autopsy - Ant and Dec think they're Mike Myers and Dana Carvey.
4. Inside Man - Spike Lee rids himself of anything interesting he might have had to say, and films a cliched bank robbery instead.
5. Failure To Launch - ...her film career since SJP quit Sex in The City.
6. Hostel - Screw a good plot - let's watch people being tortured. That'll be fun.
7. The Shaggy Dog - If you can ban Tim 'served time' Allen entering the country by plane, you can do it by film too. 8. The Dark - The film's title relates to what you'll be in when you fall asleep after the opening credits.
9. The Pink Panther - Steve Martin. Need I say more?
10. Basic Instinct 2 - So bad it's f*****g hilarious.